Thursday, August 30, 2007
ifyouhavetoletitgo,walkaway
ever come a time where everything just seem to slip out of your grasp? like the things you knew you had, you just somehow let it ran away? &you didnt even get a chance to say goodbye to it all. and you were obviously not prepared for it either. maybe its because you love it too much you cant seem to let go.
ohk someone tell me to stop, please. you know, dont know how someone can feel so sad with such good company. feels like i fell into something i cant get myself out from.
but someone tell me, how come people always go, and come back? i mean, going is fine. we all just learn to deal with it over and over, you know? like a part and parcel of helping us grow up. but when people come back, and then go off again. its just too much to take.. right? because letting go once was already so hard.
this sucks. things always doesnt go the way i planned it! most of the time it turns out better, but sometimes shit just spills all over. im in the latter. fuck, do i sound pathetic? i have to stop this seriously. i just need to keep telling myself that im a happy camper, im a happy camper, im a happy camper, im a happy camper.
but we know we have to wait, as the days go on and the places fade away to dirt and to dust, it all fades away. &the waiting is the hardest thing to take, in a moment more before we break. so if you have to let it go, &these dreams keep you awake, just walk away.
ohk anyway, here is an extract of one of my daily conversations with kevin&zm. but zm wasnt talking because he was D.O.T.A-ing(dogs on the air!)
kaypeebaby says (1:57 AM):
ahhaha shit
kaypeebaby says (1:57 AM):
i wanted to type the word 'shit' right
kaypeebaby says (1:57 AM):
den i typed 'why'
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
HAHA EH I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I DREAMT OF LAST NIGHT KEVIN
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
I TELL YOU I TELL YOU
Kevin says (1:58 AM):
lol
Kevin says (1:58 AM):
what???
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
HAHAHAA
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
i dreamt that i was a spy
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
and i had a really cool outfit
kaypeebaby says (1:58 AM):
and. i was a spy.
Kevin says (1:58 AM):
omg...
Kevin says (1:58 AM):
are u serious?
Kevin says (1:58 AM):
hahaha
kaypeebaby says (1:59 AM):
YAAAAA!!!!!! and i was sneaking into libraries. i dunno why.
kaypeebaby says (1:59 AM):
and i think i was running away from something
kaypeebaby says (1:59 AM):
but im supposed to be a spy
Kevin says (1:59 AM):
hahah
Kevin says (1:59 AM):
why spy sia..
Kevin says (1:59 AM):
hahaha
Kevin says (1:59 AM):
u have a wide imagination
Kevin says (1:59 AM):
lol
kaypeebaby says (2:00 AM):
AHAHHAA! no it was a dream!
kaypeebaby says (2:00 AM):
so i think it was an email from a ghost.
kaypeebaby says (2:00 AM):
maybe my future, is to be a spy
ming says (2:00 AM):
LOl
ming says (2:00 AM):
WTH
AHAHHAA! no it was a dream!
kaypeebaby says (2:00 AM):
so i think it was an email from a ghost.
kaypeebaby says (2:00 AM):
maybe my future, is to be a spy
ming says (2:00 AM):
LOl
ming says (2:00 AM):
WTH
AHHAHA ohk. i dont know why i dream funny. but ziming has weird dreams too. he dreamt he beat someone up for YS. HAHA. ohk i shant say who. KEVIN KNOWS KEVIN KNOWS. ohk fine so his dream was cooler than mine! anyway, word of the day,
ming says (2:09 AM):bitch.
cause you shine brighter, than anyone
Saturday, August 25, 2007
peoplealwaysleave
i wanted to write something. and then i forgot. then i thought about pokkap. mm. thats a drink by the way. is this what happens when people get depressed? probably? mental blocks, mood swings. kinda sounds like concurrent-period-syndrome.
seriously, have you ever felt like, you have something to say to someone, but the words just wont slip. or like you just wanna let it all out, but you cant, because your kinda afraid of the outcome? i used to be a champion in keeping emotions hidden. but i dont know whats gotten into me these few days. i think i need some sort of medication.
i think life sucks. or maybe just mine. well, i really dont wanna be a really pathetic person sitting on my stupid couch moping and being a really whiny brat, but it feels like crap and i have to let it go somehow really, so pardon me. i just realised i used the word 'really' quite often, ohk. well, sucks because, we always want more than what we bargained for. ohk now i forgot what i wanted to say, again.
sometimes i think i have memory retardation. seriously? like i can forget things in an instant. maybe it was because i bumped my head really hard on a brick wall when i was younger. ohk i was joking. i do NOT run into walls.
life's hard. i think i need some sort of guide. its like this really huge maze(like the one in harry potter,only 10000 times bigger), and if you dont find your way, you die(literally), because sometimes, no one can save you. and you have to save yourself.
now i dont feel like doing this anymore.
anyway, to my one-and-only becca, i know wayniq just left. &sometimes we cant help what happens. well, people always leave, and i know that your strong. &i havent seen you cry since. but sometimes we dont have to pretend we're all happy. maybe sometimes its better to let it all out. you know? just know that, if that wall that holds you up so steady decides to break some day, and if you have to cry it all out, i promise i'll be there.
why dont you hear me when im calling out to you?
Friday, August 24, 2007
helloalone
you're sorely missed!
maybe we're not doing as good as we think we are
Monday, August 20, 2007
notforalltheloveintheworld
i hate exams.period.
i think i royally screwed my BMGT & macro paper. help someone? think besides not really studying, this is all KEVINS FAULT. HAHA! ohk maybe like 2% mine, 98% his. fair ohk, i never blame all on you. HAHA! anyway, i really miss my friends): seems like forever since we last met! TMRWS MY LAST PAPER AND WE'D BETTER MEET UP IN 234987950 SECONDS!
anyways, i think i been out, practically EVERY night. except yesterdays. basically just driving around, because we have absolutely nooooothing to do! (ESP KEVIN OHK) since like LAST WEEK I THINK? and because im such a nice/accommodating friend, i think i accompanied him everyday, DESPITE ME HAVING EXAMS THE NEXT DAY OHK. HAHA. &i think when you go back to US, i'll be so crushed &bored mostly, cause you wont be here to drive me around anymore!): i dont want thursday to come! imagine the next time i see you would be.. in 2009! i'll miss you extra DEARRRRLYYY KEVIN WAYNE FUNG! &after you leave, YS will leave, then i'll have no one to disturb anymore! makes me sad most of the time, but i try not to think of it!
so put me in your heart &go see everything, then come back to me!
feels rather fast huh, time? like we're all in a race, and if time catches up to you, you lose. you lose the time you could have spent with someone you love. you lose the connection that rings everyone so close. you lose time. or rather, time you could have spent doing something more meaningful. besides studying &doing your parents proud. besides getting into the best university &getting the best grades &getting the highest paying job.
all that aside, isnt our youth the period of time to just let it all go, have fun &understand what life is about. our thoughts mature and we finally understand how some people have the ability to break you, and others the power to love you. understanding that your not in life alone, and that people alre always there to blanket your fall, even if you never meant them to.
and life suprises you. things always come to you when you least expect them to. like they say, when one door closes, two others open. and its true, because you'll never know when someone will show up at your doorstep and glue the pieces back together. you'll never know when you'll meet the most familiar face you've never really come to know, and realise that he's the one who gathered all your dreams in when they all blew away.
life has something installed for all of us. but if it stayed this way forever, i will never again cry or complain or whine, because you are here.
maybe we're better off this way
Saturday, August 18, 2007
absencemakestheheartgrowfonder?
if there was a time&space between something, is it said that its never gonna work out? or does distance really drift people apart? sometimes i think it does. but sometimes im just trying really hard to convince myself it doesnt.
im trying to convince myself that when two people meet each other after not seeing each other for an extra long period, the distance and the void just disappears. &hope it seems like it was only yesterday you were back &gone, only yesterday our fingers locked and our lips met. &my heart would be screaming out to you all the same.
but does distance really matter? have you ever felt that feeling, like not knowing someone who stays under the same roof as you. knowing that your physically so close but your hearts just dont connect. and its a shame really. because we'll never know when they'll go away.
move a little closer, hold me tighter, i'll stay if your gonna keep me in line.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
carefuloryou'llhurtyourself
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do. theres nothing in between, but its not your fault. theres nothing left to face, nothing left to lose. nothing takes your place. theres nothing left to prove, theres nothing i wont do. theres nothing like the pain, i feel for you. theres nothing left to hide, nothing left to feel, because i am always here. but when they say, you're not that strong, you're not that weak, its not your fault. &when you climb, up to your hill, up to your place, i hope you're well.
anything else but the truth
Sunday, August 12, 2007
legal&loved
ohk so besides me being 18 and still fricking retarded like i always am. doesnt really feel much different. because lets face it, i already claimed myself legal when i drank my first cup of alcohol &entered fricking overaged parties with my sisters IC. however, i did have an extra special birthday, with all my favourtie people around me& EPL starting again, how much better can it get. well to me, its way more than what i have bargained for.
krunk was expected to be shitty i guess? but it wasnt that bad la. people were talking abt it as if someone will eat 12 dozen eggs and massive-ly fart there la. but great friends make everything better! well, friends+rush hour 3+tauhuay+presents = gnarly 18.
&i love everyone who wished me. dez, sernzhi, cheryl, jeremy, sean, katie, chiwawa, carm, kevin, yonnshen, zm, adi, sab, ha, la, WELING&FELI!(LOLOLOL very important) TABS(LOL i almost forgot)& BECCA! ehh got lot more, but these people are more important.lol.
anyway, mayb you've been wondering what i've been doing these past few days. like 4 days straight? i've been all around singapore. literally. &perhaps getting lost in sengkang too.
well.. the plan on friday was home club, causeeeeeeeeeeeee, kenneth wong was there& he asked me to go. but i guess plans changed! and the rest wanted to go to zouk instead. the rest meaning dez sherbear sean. cheryl was pretty pissed i guess cause she was extra reluctant to go. then when we were outside zouk, we(or mayb me) had major second thoughts of gng in. cause it was already like 1? and it would be super not worth it. the rest went into zouk eventually, and i met YS&the rest. kevin was extra wasted, he was almost dead. ohk anyway, home was full of weird people& we didnt stay long. lucky i had free entry if not i would have killed myself.
met carm & kev yesterday. my babe made me this card and it was OOOO soo sweet& i love you for that! shit i almost cried when i read it, seriously. &if someone tries to hurt you i promise i'll be there for you. she was pretty depressed(i am not allowed to use the word 'emo' according to kevin)& i feel bad because it seems like i cant do anything about it. i think i have extra cravings for ice (s)cream.
carm went off to meet DM &i accompanied kevin, because.. he had nothing to do. HAHA. we went to holland V to eat& met zm. bloody idiot stole his mom's car keys. boys being boys, driving illeaglly = better than sex. we went to pick herrman&yonnshen and went to sengkeng to get kevins passport. it was damn funny because we got fricking lost in fricking godforbidden sengkang. kevin lives there but he doesnt know how to get around, how smart. herrman and zm are damn 'responsible' or so to say(WHILE DRIVING I MEAN),&kevin and YS dont really care so it was like a war in the fricking car.
anyway i have to start mugging because my exams are in less than a week and i have to squeeze one whole semesters work into my head.
&you could hold me, only because you can.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
heartsthatdontreallycare
i feel so stuck. like the winds so strong it could blow me away but my feet are rooted to the goddamn earth.
ever had that moment, when your caught in your own tangled web? like you know you weaved it but you have no clue how to get out of it. yeh &im completely mystified.
its like, you try very hard to try and please everyone around you, and you try to accomodate to everyones thoughts. but still no ones happy.
ever wanted everything to turn out so smoothly and so perfect? but everytime you get some sort of stable ground people just shove and push and try to pull the rug under your feet.
its hard for things to fall and fit in all the right place. like that glimpse of what it'll be like to have everything so planned out and flawless is just a lie.
but i always wondered, like if you have your life planned out on the table, with all the plates and utensils matching every table cloth and every napkin, no hair out of line, then life would be a bore. because life is supposed to be full of surprises, aint it not?
but its so ironic because arent we already destined for one life?!
like when someone dies, its said that its their fate. right? so our lives are really planned already. this sucks, im confusing myself.
i wandered through fiction to look for the truth.
Monday, August 06, 2007
borrowed&burnt
i've always wanted to write something that meant something to someone. something that will make a great impact on someone. something that will hit you right smack center of the face and make you realise. but all that i've been doing is being an emo slut. seriously sounds rather pathetic to me.
on a happier note, or besides me being a rather depressed asshole, its august again and im sunburnt. seriously very very major sunburnt. from me sleeping for only 2 hrs in 2 days and waking up the next SUNday at fricking unearthly 6am for a whole day of soccer under the humongo sun. now i think i know why they call sunday sunday. someone should seriously put a really humongo blanket over the humongo sun. (humongo = humongous) O, &fyi, man utd owwwwwned chelsea yesterday. im happy. i think.
am i really? sometimes..i think i am. i hope that i am. &sometimes its just really hard to believe so. well, i can always pretend that i am. and no one else will know.
usually, when somethings broken, people will try to put the pieces back together. repair it and pretend it'll all heal.
but dont you think you'll get tired of pretending to see that it will all really heal? too tired of pretending that whats broken can always be fixed &that its never too late to make amends? &gradually, even if you dont want it too, the broken pieces just fall out and will never fit perfectly like when it was first found&un-scarred.
maybe its just too much of anymore worth. because you know you can never go back to what was.
but do you think people can see past all of it? like all the broken lines and heartaches and missing pieces? maybe sometimes all we need is just a new one. maybe sometimes all we need is a new hand to hold& a more understanding heart. someone who you know will put the 't' back in 'trust' & put 'v' in between the letters 'li' and 'e' in 'lie'.
maybe sometimes all we need to do is erase the past and forget it all ever happened and watch whats coming for you. because people change all the time. and if i had a choice, i'd rather know what people are now than try and argue that the person that they were before is always gonna come back.
i've got my finger on your pulse and im waiting for your heart to speed up and start racing with ours.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
adeepershadeofblue
i'd like to sit and watch, as cars pass me by on the highway. & i'm listening to all my favourite tunes. i can see the sky & there are lesser buildings, lesser traffic & abundant trees. i can see the ocean, so peaceful and so steady. i could wind down the window and the light breeze could run cross my cheeks and through my hair. everything will feel so different, and so easy. feels like i can do anything. & all my worries and troubles just disappeared out the back door, and all that stood was me against nothing.
i'd stand on a patch of grass underneath an oak tree and i'd hope to god i'd figure out whats wrong. he'd answer me & all who cared would be standing beside me, hand in hand, and then i'll know that if i fell, it wouldnt hurt.
sometimes i feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin. like i dont fit into this world. like i was born at the wrong time and i dont belong.
sometimes, it just feels so hard. it feels like someones strangling life out of me. and i could retaliate, but im not doing anything. i need things to slow down. i need to feel like im a kid again. & if i do something wrong, you could hit me on the hand and i'd get a second chance. i could get chance after chance and no one would complain or scold me or ignore me, because im just a kid.
& there will come a day, when i will be able to say, nevermind the pain and all the aggravation.
im wanting more